Dr. Candess M Campbell – Before Play – What Women Want!

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Before Play –  What Women Want! by Dr. Candess M Campbell

“It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.” – Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without Counseling Marko Petkovic

Sarah is with friends at a piano bar in downtown Seattle. A tall, dark, handsome man (really) who is new to the group comes up and begins to converse. They make a great connection talking about similar interests and she is curious. She and her friends catch up sharing about their lives and the music starts. Luca (tall, dark, and handsome) comes up and asks her to dance. She begins to move her hips to the music, but he pulls her to him and twirls her around the dance floor. Her curiosity grows and she wonders, “Who is this man?” As the night goes on, he continues to woo her, dancing and whispering in her ear. She unmistakably tells him she is in a relationship, but this does not stop him from professing her beauty, murmuring he loves her eyes, and when she puts her cheek to his shoulder in a slow dance, chills run down her spine.

She notices her female friends are watching her. Later, they insist he is “a player.” She laughs, knowing this of course, and enjoys his attention anyway. Being comfortable with herself, her sexuality and men, she goes along. The group moves to a nearby Karaoke bar and she and Luca sing Falling Slowly together as the dance floor fills with couples.

The night moves on and the group is leaving. She walks out with Mallory, her friend and ride home. Luca follows her out to the car and opens the door, all the while enticing her to let him take her home. She laughs, Mallory roles up the window, and off they go.

The next day her boyfriend Jesse calls and wants to see her. She invites him over and within the first ten minutes he initiates sex by rubbing up against her with a look of anticipation in his eyes.

Whether her previous evening behavior was appropriate or not, having interviewed several women, this scenario with Jesse is not far from the truth for many women. What happened here? The difference between how she was treated by a stranger and the man who loves her was monumental. The sense of being desired, of feeling beautiful, of being prepared for lovemaking did not happen with Jesse.

As a therapist, too often I witness couples that become more like roommates than passionate partners in life. They leave intimacy behind and feel unfulfilled in their relationships or marriages. Sometimes they opt for an affair. Other times they may compromise and shut down their emotions to “go along to get along.” Neither of these choices support the early dreams they envisioned of being in love!

A friend of mine shared that the man she had been dating for several months “doesn’t have a clue” how to connect with her prior to their lovemaking. She said it has been really difficult to be sexual at his beck and call, and sadly, he doesn’t understand the difference between intimacy and sex. She loves him, and although they are sexually active, she is not satisfied.

Of course, not all men neglect the needs of their lovers. The intent of this article is to invite men to bring forward the “player within” and to love their wife or girlfriend as if they first met! Listening, attending to and understanding the desires of your partner can strengthen the fiber or your relationship. There is a powerful connection and bond that happens in relationships when intimacy and sexuality can be enjoyed in a loving, supportive and nurturing environment on a daily basis.

In an interview survey regarding “Before Play” a woman who described herself as having a positive relationship, was asked, “who usually initiates sex and how is it done?” She said he usually initiates. She said “Sex starts early in the day with talk and holding one another. My husband’s “love language” expresses itself with acts of service and physical touch that mean a lot to me. We are both physical so touch is critical: kissing slow, fondling, and being playful with one another. In response to the question “does he prepare you prior to being sexual?” she replied “Yes, he will pick up something nice for dinner or a bottle of wine, etc. He often stays in touch sending texts or calls during the day.”

In the interview process, the theme was the same. The communication, intimacy, and connective feeling prior to intercourse had a substantial effect on their sexual life. It affected not only the quality of the sexual experience, but the frequency of sex as well. When women were fulfilled sexually, they said they were happier in their relationship overall.

So what happens? “How to satisfy a woman” is not a new topic and you can hardly even avoid being educated about the needs of women if you ever read cartoons, watched TV, or overheard conversations at the local pub.

BeforePlay (rather than foreplay) begins hours if not days prior to making love. Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.

What women want!

1. Communication – connect with her prior to lovemaking. A phone call or a sexy text to entice her during the day just may be the key.

2. Connection – knowing that she likes to be kissed and cuddled first or enjoys moving right into hot, passionate lovemaking can heighten the fun. Be present to her.

3. Set the stage – whether you bring wine or flowers, play music, or light candles, stimulate her senses for a intense experience.

So if you are a man who sees himself as potent, vital and ready for love, see your woman as one who deserves to be cherished. Woo her in the manner that she enjoys and begin the process (beforeplay) early in the day and slow it down creating some enticement. Strengthen and deepen your love and experience in the incredible, sacred sexual union. You’ll notice the difference in the quality of your life!

————–

Candess M. Campbell, PhD is the #1 Best-selling author of 12 Weeks to Self-Healing: Transforming Pain through Energy Medicine. She is in private practice in Washington State (US) as a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor. Internationally she is an Intuitive Consultant, Speaker, and Seminar Leader.

Check out Candess M Campbell’s articles on Live Encounters
http://liveencounters.net/?page_id=493 and under 2014

12 Replies to “Dr. Candess M Campbell – Before Play – What Women Want!”

  1. although I am years beyond these feelings, I recognize them for exactly what they are and agree with you passionately… too many people try to substitute or, at least, equate sex with love… they are NOT equal in any fashion.. they are separate and distinct… it is entirely possible to have either one without the other, but Nirvana is not attained until they become harmonious and in union… Excellent essay… thank you for making me think again… One comment further… you alluded to Chapman’s “Love Languages” … this is probably the least understood and most important concept to compatibility that two people can share… for example.. one of my MAJOR languages is that of “Gifts” while my mate’s habit of gift giving consisted of having me write down a list of things I’d like and she’d pick one and buy it… Of course, to me, that was not a gift, but an offering.. and did not mean love at all… there was no thought… no effort… *sigh*
    Thom

    1. Thom, wouldn’t it be great if the wisdom you shared in your post was learned early in life.
      So many people reach out and share sex, but when there is a strong “love connection” –
      it can be like the difference between a pond and an ocean!
      I have referenced Chapman’s “Love Languages” more in my other articles.
      Thanks for sharing that your love language is receiving gifts and educating us
      that it takes more than just buying a gift.

      For the readers, the 5 Love Languages consist of Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch,
      Quality Time and Acts of Service.

      Candess

  2. I have read the article and I find it very interesting. Why? Women are generally angry and UPSET with men regarding their level affection and intimacy, and are often too bashful or ashamed to explain it or say anything about it directly to their mate.

    Candess, I like that you said, “Women in love generally are in their hearts, and so they replay the connection, the texture, the smell, and the visions of their partner throughout the day. They long to hear they are loved, desired, noticed, and a priority to their lover. When this happens the connection between the man and the woman can be incredible.” My issue with this is why do women keep quiet if that is something they “long to hear”? This, to me, is a major relationship violation and it goes for both parties involved. However, I’m here to help. This is where my F.P.S. communication techniques comes in handy, once learned and applied.

    The acronym stands for Feeling, Problem, and Solution. It takes practice to apply if one isn’t use to doing it already, but the results are very effective. Viewers can join my Facebook group page, Anger Management 101, for details.

    Great article. Thanks for inviting me to comment.

  3. Joseph, thanks for the feedback and your commitment to helping others. Of course, all situations are different, but often the communication about daily life between couples is not to the level that it needs to be. So when it comes to communication about sensitive subjects such as what is pleasurable in their lovemaking, they don’t have a proper foundation. In my private counseling and coaching practice, too often couples end up living as married singles.

  4. I feel honored for Candess M. Campbell mentioning my new book “Feel Good Marriage” in her post. I believe men and women are not all that different in their desire to feel loved, adored and paid attention to, they just may manifest that desire in different ways.

    Studies show that #1 underlying reason for men to have an affair is not because their new lover is so much better looking or younger or… (insert whatever you think might be the reason) but mostly because their new lover gives them much more (positive) attention than they are getting in their own relationship.

    It’s so easy to disconnect and grow apart, with growing demands of every day life, taking care of the kids and the house and myriad of other things to be done. …(I’ve been there, done that.)

    As Candess mentioned, it’s about connection. If you want to (re)connect and start creating a loving and feel-good atmosphere without having to transform into perfect yourself over night, check out THIS FREE Guide. The guide is called ‘5 Essential Habits of a Feel Good Marriage’ and I have never published it before, so I’m interested to know what do you think. You can Download it here</a

  5. I like the reference to Chapman’s “Love Languages” in your article–thank you. When searching to understand how one communicates with another about what’s meaningful to THEM in relationship, it can help to laser in on what matters most to your significant other. As for me “physical touch” and “acts of service” are my love language. Often a hug means more to me than being given a gift.

    The closing on what women want in the article is on target. Communication and connection when one feels vulnerable takes a lot of trust…and courage. There is nothing sexier than when a man “shows up” to be in relationship:-)

  6. There is something stimulating and exciting about a new sexual conquest. We will do and say almost anything anything to win. This goes for both sexes.

    We need to treat our loved ones better then anyone. Some people say “we always treat those closest to us the worst”. I don’t agree. Just because we are sure of someones love, doesn’t mean we can speak or treat them worse then a stranger. Imagine a world where the more we liked or loved a person the kinder we were. Thats a world I’d like to live in, and it’s what I expect from the people who love me. If we are being inconsiderate or unkind to our loved ones we need to get to the root cause of it and heal so we can express our love and sexuality with the upmost respect.

    Great article Candess.

  7. Dear Candess, As we have just added DISQUS there are a few comments that have not been automatically added to DISQUS. Here is one commment:

    Elissa commented on Dr. Candess M Campbell – Before Play – What Women Want!.

    in response to marculyseas:

    Article in PDF (Download) Before Play – What Women Want! by Dr. Candess M Campbell “It’s a scientifically proven fact that, during this time, [in love] our brains produce drugs that would be illegal on the street or need a medical prescription.” – Feel Good Marriage – 7 Steps to a Rock Solid Marriage Without […]

    There is something stimulating and exciting about a new sexual conquest. We will do and say almost anything anything to win. This goes for both sexes.

    We need to treat our loved ones better then anyone. Some people say “we always treat those closest to us the worst”. I don’t agree. Just because we are sure of someones love, doesn’t mean we can speak or treat them worse then a stranger. Imagine a world where the more we liked or loved a person the kinder we were. Thats a world I’d like to live in, and it’s what I expect from the people who love me. If we are being inconsiderate or unkind to our loved ones we need to get to the root cause of it and heal so we can express our love and sexuality with the upmost respect.

    Great article Candess.

    1. Elissa, I totally agree. Communication is so important because when one feels heard and clearly hears the other person, they can respond authentically to each other. So often someone sees and hears what is already going on in their brain, that they can’t see what is really in front of them. This is so true in the early attraction phase. They project their desires onto the person and when that intensity fades and they begin to see the “real” person, their feelings change.

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